What I Thought

What I Thought

The term “what I thought” means there were expectations involved.

I’m such a fool for expectations. I’m the kind of person that gets my hopes up, thinking how things are going to turn out great…and there will be dinners and celebrations. These are moments when sighs of relief go around and a sense of security rises to the occasion. And sometimes, the guy gets the girl.

Matters are not like this for me right now, though it’s funny: it’s seems like I’ve been trying to get there for so long. To make up for frustrations, I often hear the mantra, “That’s why you only have what the day gives you.” And it’s so true.

Today, then has given me two feelings. One is reminiscent of the time when I finally quit drinking, and so the walls were crumbling down all around me as I was faced with one and only prospect: to leave.

It’s a dreadful, cold feeling knowing there is nowhere to go and no one wants you to stay.

The other feeling is one of being stupefied. I knew I needed to stop drinking and so I did, pure and simple; but this did not take my disability away. And so, I spent the first of the past fifteen years realizing I could not work my old jobs anymore, and the last of them studying my ass off.

I think it was natural to expect something good after having completed all that education, but I’m missing something. (Sorry I have to be vague here, but I do this to prevent people from laughing at me in the future.) I wasn’t allowed to move on to the next step, and so I am looking for part time work. Now, after having gained many qualifications, I am getting notices that tell me I’m overqualified.

So the feeling I’m experiencing, wondering where I will find income, is reminding me of those days when life was closing in all around me from drinking, that cold feeling knowing there is nowhere to go and no one wants you to stay.

This doesn’t mean I won’t try and post some good news soon.


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